why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
