I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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