when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
