So drunk its hurt
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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