His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
