You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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