You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
