unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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