I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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