i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
