In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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