Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
