her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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