if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
