So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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