I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
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