some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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