i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
