My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
