just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
