I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
