my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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