Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
