dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
how drunk are you?
Several
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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