I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
