3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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