Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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