im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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