His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
