So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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