I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
