I cannot find my penis.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
