everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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