I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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