I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How does one acquire holy water?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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