I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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