It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
