1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
