we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
