im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
