I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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