Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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