connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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