So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
