I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
