i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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