Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
