No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
