ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
