Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
PANTIES FOUND
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