apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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