just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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