Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
