Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
