I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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