you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
