She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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