So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
