After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
