she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
